Consent, Trauma, and the Urge to Comply
Why Someone Might Initiate Intimacy Without Wanting To
By Abigail Willie
Content Note: This post discusses trauma responses and their impact on intimacy and consent. Topics include the fawn response, reenactment, dissociation, validation-seeking. If these topics are sensitive for you, please take gentle care while reading, and know that you have the option to pause or stop reading at any point.
While initiating intimacy might seem like a sign that someone wants to engage, it’s not always the case. There are several reasons why a person with lived experience of trauma might initiate intimacy even though a part of them doesn’t truly want to.
The fawning response [Read more here] can cause someone to initiate intimacy to feel like they are “getting ahead” of the threat. This can help them to feel more control over their environment.
Reenacting trauma is another way that someone might try to gain control of their situation. After experiencing trauma, someone might unconsciously recreate dynamics of the traumatic experience to cope with a situation where they felt powerless. Sometimes, initiating intimacy on one’s own terms can feel empowering, and it becomes more about feeling in control and power than it is about intimacy and connection.
Sometimes, people perceive their self-worth to be tied to their desirability. Seeking intimacy might be a way to find validation.
Feelings of disconnection can also cause a person with lived experience of trauma to seek intimacy. A person might disregard their own wants and needs because they are dissociating or as a way to feel numbness.
By initiating intimacy without emotional connection, a person can avoid vulnerability. When a person learns to associate vulnerability with betrayal or danger, they might engage in casual or anonymous intimacy. The casualness or anonymity of the interaction might be a way for a person to physically connect with others without the emotional risk.
Supporting Safe Intimacy After Trauma
If you have an intimate relationship with a person who has experienced trauma, it’s important to consider these points when engaging in intimacy. There are many ways to check in and support the person you care about.
Remember that a meaningful yes requires emotional and physical safety. Foster an environment that feels safe and predictable.
Always ask for permission before engaging and respect their decisions - especially when you get a “no”.
Look for nonverbal cues. Hesitation and freezing are signs that a person does not want to engage in intimacy.
Living with the impacts of trauma is a journey, and healing is not a one-size-fits-all process. Learning how to show up for someone with lived experience of trauma is an act of care and helps to build a safe and compassionate consent culture.